Dear Mister Publisher,
I have written the best book. My book will be bigger than the bible. It will make cynics laugh, optimists cry, and toast. Before he died, David Bowie said he wished he had written it.
It is impossible to say what my book is about without revealing a shocking twist which has never ever been done before, so people will have to buy it to find out. Anyone who doesn’t understand my legitimate reasons for secrecy is a potential terrorist.
Book jacket quotes will come from Ellen DeGeneres and the Dalai Lama. Bono, James Joyce and Donald Trump will offer quotes, but be politely refused. The New York Times will ask to syndicate it.
Genre doesn’t matter because absolutely everyone will want to read my book. People who haven’t read it will pretend they’ve read it, but get eviscerated at brunch parties for not understanding it properly. They will then pay someone else to go and buy it…
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